when i used to want a big brother, this wasn’t what i had in mind January 23, 2008

I found a scary thing this morning on the internet…pointed there by Newsweek of course…Spokeo. More like Spooky. Using someone’s email address, you can basically track and keep updated on any of their online content: Flickr, Amazon wishlists, Vox, Myspace, Pandora, etc. I know you are only as vulnerable as what you post on the web, but this sort of search makes me nervous. Take a second to go over and see what it finds about you!

mama don’t preach January 10, 2008

I recently started reading ParentDish (mainly because Sarah forced me to start reading All & Sundry and she blogs there too).

Recently Linda posted at ParentDish about how her relationship with her dog (her pre-baby baby) has changed since her son was born. I can 150% relate to this post and I was so grateful she wrote it. I’m ashamed to admit that our two dogs (a 50 lb. Australian Heeler from Train’s senior year of college, and a 6 8 9 lb. chihuahua that Train gave me for our first married Christmas) are much more of a nuisance than a blessing lately. The chihuahua especially was my precious little puppy, who I cradled and spoiled and even took to Key West for a week (on a plane!). I was obsessed with this dog and felt like he was a child. The Heeler, while he was a crazy lunatic dog as a puppy, has matured into a docile indoor dog with sweet sad eyes. Everything revolved around the dogs…vacations were avoided because I didn’t want to be without them. Parties were rearranged so that they wouldn’t be freaked out by the number of people in the house. When we were trying to sell our townhouse, Train took them to a friend’s house EVERY MORNING and picked them up EVERY AFTERNOON so the house could be shown while we were gone and I wouldn’t have to be without them in the evening. My only freakout during labor with Sherman was because I had not anticipated the dogs being alone at night while we were at the hospital, and tearfully begged Train to ask his brother to spend the night at our house.

Lately, the Heeler is always underfoot…either when I’m carrying a load of laundry and he wedges himself in between Sherman’s crib and changing table so I can’t get in the room, or brushing by Sherman as he cautiously makes his way down the steps, sending Sherman tumbling into the basement. Any time I sit down on the floor to play with Sherman, the Heeler paws at me for attention. His nails click as he rumbles down the stairs - which are right outside Sherman’s room - at 5:30 in the morning when I’m leaving for work. As for the chihuahua, he barks at every little thing he hears in and out of the house (especially anything that sounds like a knock, even if it’s just me banging my elbow against the soap dish in the shower), every time the door opens, every time Train comes into the room to go to bed after the chihuahua and I have been asleep…all the time. He’s always done this, it’s nothing new. But now we have a little boy who goes to bed at eight pm and takes a long nap on weekend days, and I feel like all day and night I’m shushing him. They both take food from Sherman, and a lot of times he willingly gives it to them, which is why the chihuahua weighs about 50% more than he should. We don’t walk them because it takes both of us, and it’s too cold/dark to take Sherman out. The chihuahua has already bitten Sherman once, enough to draw blood out of his tiny little hand.

Is any of this the dogs’ fault? Absolutely not. Would our house be emptier and more sad (with piles of food around Sherman’s high chair) without them as part of our family? Absolutely. Do I hope that once Sherman is old enough to play with them, everything will be okay again? Fervently. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with them on a day to day basis, when some days it’s all I can do to get to work, get home, and get Sherman fed, bathed, and asleep before even focusing on what I need to get done. Last night while eating dinner, I had Sherman on one side of me trying to kiss me, the Heeler on the other side staring up at me right at table level, and the chihuahua prancing around my feet. I almost screamed I felt so claustrophobic…all three of the creatures who depend on Train and I for survival just…hanging on me. (Of course, not for one second was I wishing Sherman would leave me alone…kisses from a very busy little boy are priceless even when covered in chicken and dumplings.)

AAAANNNNNNYWAY, that is totally not what this post is about (and the lessons I wish to teach Sherman about how to treat animals is a whole other post entirely). The reaction to Linda’s post was brutal, but not at all surprising. Most of the commenters could commiserate with her, while a few said they felt sorry for her dog for having to live where she isn’t appreciated, and one suggested that even being euthanized would be preferable to being Linda’s pet.

What this means is not that Linda’s pet care practices are so horrifying, it’s that we women love to pass judgement on others. A lot of you are terrific pet owners, and a lot more into your dogs and cats than I was ever into mine even before Sherman. It’s because of you that I feel ashamed, but I hope that you can understand that every person is different and does what she has to do to make her own life work.  

But when it comes to parenting, the judging hits a fever pitch. And there is a simple reason. To consider another mother’s methods inferior to yours is to feel superior, and what is more important than being a superior parent?

I am well aware of how judging others, and by extension, comparing yourself to them, is poisonous. If I were to make a New Years’ resolution, it would be to try to wean myself from this behavior. I really feel that since I’ve become a parent, and had to eat so many of those “I WILL NEVER…!” statements of my own, that I have really taken a much more open and accepting view of others, and even in that way, I feel better about myself. But I am not perfect.

There is a mother in Train’s hometown, who sometimes ends up at birthday parties and church functions of my in-laws’, who gives her toddler swe.et te.a in her sippy cup, and is always mystified by the fact that Sherman, who is three months older than her daughter, weighs less than she does. Of course this is just one example of some of the things she allows her daughter to do. She is a nice person, but I will admit that the choices she makes in her life/marriage/parenting are simply too astounding for Ditto and I to resist dissecting them. Does that make us bad people? YES. This woman, like me, is doing the best she knows how. But it makes us feel like Supermoms to see someone making choices that we deem to be…misguided. 

When the mother of the other little boy at our in-home daycare decided to put her son in a center after a minor miscommunication with our provider (leaving Sherman as the only kid in her care), I questioned whether or not I should put Sherman somewhere else where he could interact with other children, even though he was perfectly happy, safe, and healthy with Alice. It bolstered me to consider that the other little boy will probably come down with a lot more colds and viruses now that he is in a daycare center. So I was mollified by the fact that this 9 MONTH OLD might be sicker this winter because I thought his mother overreacted. WTF??? Don’t I know a million kids who go to daycare centers who are just fine?? This is the brutal, illogical game that mothers play.

Overall, I have at least learned to keep my judging to myself. If it is this ingrained female behavior that I have to consciously repress, the least I can do is not contaminate anyone else with my venom. For some reason, while most people are more bold with their criticism online where they can hide behind a computer, it is on the internet that I have learned to be more tolerant. Perhaps because I feel like I know more details about your lives than the ”strangers” that I interact with in real life. I know you are a good mom who wants to do her best in everything she takes on. I am also aware of this constant practice of bringing each other down electronically and it makes me want to stay out of that fray. It is easy for me to not only refrain from leaving a nasty comment (not least because I know you are a real person on the other end, just like me), but to avoid even thinking something ugly, because I’ve got my hands full with my family and the last thing I want to take responsibility for is raising your kids my way too.

It’s useless to bemoan this “sanctimommy” because for every nasty comment I see, there’s another one lambasting the original offender, and obviously that sort of vicious circle has not produced results. So I just do my part in refraining from passing judgement, and even waiting until asked for assvice.

Updated to add this link (from ParentHacks): The Parent Blame Game

2007 January 3, 2008

I don’t usually do year-end re-cap posts (although I read all of yours) but Britt’s idea (posting the first sentences of the first post of each month) was too neat to skip. We’ll see how it goes and maybe it will be a tradition.

Most of you know that I switched over from Vox in November. Before that I had a Blogspot address, and I had transferred everything from there to Vox in January. The Vox blog is DTM which should make this re-cap a little more interesting.

January 2007

We’re home, after a wonderful week with my parents…sharing a bedroom with Sherman (I don’t know how you co-sleepers do it…), wearing sunscreen and tank tops, riding bikes and drinking coconut rum punch, a possible infant sinus infection, a much-anticipated announcement, a new upper bicuspid, and ringing in the new year with my new son and terrific friends (including a wonderful midnight surprise).

The obligatory Key West recap post. Funny how I still considered Sherman to be “new” at 8 months. “Baby’s First Christmas” and all that, I suppose. Dr. P and her husband had spent New Years in Key West with us.

February 2007

Sherman’s new shoes came in with free overnight shipping right on schedule! Aren’t they adorable??

My first try of www.endless.com.

March 2007

1. We got my mom an engraved iPod nano for her 50th birthday (which we are going to Florida for next week). It came in yesterday and I am so jealous that once again my mom is cooler than me.

Beginning of a list of random things. The first time my mom was cooler than me was when she got a RAZR phone (which she subsequently dropped in the pool while we were visiting at New Years). Other things on the list: Sherman can feed himself cheerios; my joy in changing the calendar to a new month; we got an excellent tax refund; we bought a laptop; we ate at California Tortilla for the first time; my father-in-law was back in the hospital after his Valentine’s Day liver transplant.

April 2007

Monday night: the stomach bug that’s going around…I won’t give you any details
Tuesday morning Train starts it.
Tuesday spent lying on the floor while Sherman crawled around us in between bathroom trips.

That was the first time I had been sick since Sherman was born, and just our luck that Train and I both came down with it. I begged my parents to move their flight up by a day to rescue us, and they arrived around dinner time. I think it took me three days to get back to work.

May 2007

Sorry it’s been so long BLAH BLAH EXCUSES EXCUSES. Work is busy and when I do have time to update in the evenings I am overwhelmed by how long it’s been. However, I have caught up on a 5 week backlog of Tivo and I am inordinately pleased with myself.

This wasn’t posted until May 12! At this point I had started a special project at work that lasted through the summer.

June 2007

I had a nice trip to Denver but it was very fast. I had envisioned doing some work at the hotel before dinner, then getting back and settling in the nice comfy king-size bed with a DVD of The Office Season 1. Of course, I got picked up for dinner at 3:30 Denver time so we could go hang out and have a drink and make small talk (my boss’ boss’ boss was also out from DC and we had the same flight from Chicago) and didn’t get home from dinner until 9pm (11pm East Coast time).

Work travel. My presentation went well, and Denver was gorgeous. I flew out Monday around lunch time and returned home bedtime Tuesday.

July 2007

Dear Discover, I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

A long rant about how Discover had screwed me out of $125 in rewards by not telling me about their Open Road card in a timely manner. Home Depot did it to us too. Then I find out if I have two Discover cards, I have to have two separate Discovercard.com accounts. Asinine! Then I discover (ha) that they have an ADDITIONAL “Get More” rewards program that you have to sign up for each quarter! WTF!!!! (Wow it still makes me mad just re-reading this)

August 2007

I think there is nothing more annoying than having to repeat myself. I don’t mean say the same thing over and over to someone who hears me but just doesn’t take the action I’ve requested, although that is pretty irritating. I mean just in normal conversation or interaction, saying something (which knowing me is probably incredibly witty) and having the person say “huh?” or “what?”

This irks the shit out of me. I admit that I am a mumbler, but I’m trying, and when someone has LIVED WITH ME FOR FIVE YEARS you would think he would try to OPEN HIS EARS. (My mom has terrible hearing and I say everything to her at least 3 times.)

September 2007

My parents got here Thursday afternoon and we spent this weekend working on the first 2 things on the to-do list I created for them: (1) organizing the basement and (2) organizing the shed.

We did a lot of work that weekend and our basement still looks amazing! HGTV has nothing on Mom and I.

October 2007

Well, yesterday was Sherman’s first day as the only kid at day care and Alice said they had a great time. He took a good nap and they had lots of fun.

All of the other children either moved, went to preschool, or were taken out because his mommy had a hissy fit when Alice’s mother was dying in New Jersey. Later that month Alice agreed to take Sherman to a toddler tumbling class across the street, and they did that for about 8 weeks. He is still the only child at day care, although Alice’s daughter is pregnant and due any day, and one of the kids who went to preschool has a new baby sister that might stay with Alice.

November 2007

I have something terrible, sexist, and potentially inflaming to say. Don’t judge me. I have to be honest.

I think single girls that are waaaaay into professional sports teams are just trying to fit in with the guys.

There, I said it. I’m not even going to qualify it, because I know it’s so wrong. But I’m definitely not talking about you.

This was brought on by one of Train’s female co-workers, who came over to watch football most Sundays this fall, and gets seriously way too personally involved in the game. She’s a nice girl though.

December 2007

For those of us born just before and during the early 80s, there’s no question of the significance of Dirty Dancing. While it was originally released in 1987 (when I was in 1st grade), I remember watching it endlessly on video with my friends in 3rd or 4th grade.

Asking for your favorite quotes from Dirty Dancing after discovering a certain someone had (unashamedly) never seen this classic.

decisions November 8, 2007

I am still trying to figure out how I want to structure this blog. I will probably use pseudonyms for my husband and son, so don’t get too freaked out. It’s hard coming up with a perfect fake name. I am also working on the “About Me” page (link in upper right) and considering if I want to add any more “pages” (like Pet Peeves perhaps? I have a lot of those).

I am overwhelmed by all the features on WordPress (even just the free ones) but I like that there are so many things to explore and figure out.

I won’t be moving my posts over from Vox…there aren’t really that many worth moving as of late. I will try not to bore you with the same old stories but like I said in my post yesterday, I consider this to be starting over!

starting over November 7, 2007

Wasn’t that the name of the horrible daytime show that came on at noon and followed women who had made horrible messes of their lives and needed professional, communal-living help/drama?

Anyway, in the spirit of BlogHer and the blog community, and more importantly for my own need for organization, control, and comprehension, I’m going to return to the land of the ”public” blog. At the risk of driving everyone crazy with my constant website switching. But at least now you can use Google Reader.

Wish me luck!