best by February 5, 2008

How much attention do you pay to expiration dates? I find myself obsessed with them lately. Not only for obvious reasons…getting products that are “past their prime” out of the house, but the sheer fascination (and embarassment) of how long stuff stays in my house.

This weekend, in a fit of pre-Super Bowl freezer purging (more on that tomorrow when I upload photos) (Super Bowl, not the freezer purging) (although it does look damn good and even Train said so), I threw out a ton of stuff. I felt guilty about it because even more than I hate clutter, I hate wastefulness. But Oprah says your home is your sanctuary, and going into our freezer (and the standalone freezer in the basement) was depressing me and probably affecting my spirit. Or something.

It’s mostly, of course, not my fault. When my parents come to visit my mom goes grocery crazy and we end up with a freezer full of Weight Watchers fudge bars, cube steak, frozen dinners (which I can’t stand but Mom always says I need to try), and chicken with actual bones in it, like we know how to cook that. And that’s just the stuff we don’t eat, the leftover detritus.

Anyway, beyond that, I threw away doggie ice cream with a 2006 expiration date. That’s downright embarassing. (I always forget, when I buy it, that it doesn’t digest well and then I never give it to the dogs after the first tub) If dog ice cream has gone two years past its expiration date, that means it’s probably been in your freezer about three. Yikes. That’s older than Sherman.

The other day for breakfast, we had two bottles of pancake syrup in the fridge and both had expired in 2007. That stuff really must not last long.

Whenever we have to buy a new bottle of spices (you know, when a recipe calls for 1/16th of a teaspoon of lemonwater bouillon or some shit), I have started writing the purchase month and year on the bottom of the bottle with a Sharpie, because (a) we don’t use a lot of spices in our cooking and (b) I know it lasts forever but damn, we’ve had that ginger a long time. That way if I ever get organized enough I can look up the shelf life of some of these to see what is poisoning us.

This is why I don’t wear makeup. Or even have it in my house anymore. I think I would rather eat something expired than put it on my face. I could never use it fast enough and I would start to freak about the germs and the oldness and I just had to get rid of it.

Hot dogs are supposed to be eaten within a few days of opening if kept in the fridge. Oops.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins leftover from a big bottle I got near the end of my pregnancy with Sherman (refusing to buy any more prescription vitamins that made me sick anyway). I kept them because the expiration date was March 2008 and I figured I could at least use some of them. Now I worry that they aren’t as “effective” and got me some new ones.

Even Neosporin has an expiration date. The little tube I keep in my desk at work has a little EXP 6/08 on the end…what if I forget and use it in July?

What about stuff like sour cream and yogurt which is basically…already spoiled? How long can that sit in the fridge?

One thing I am super-anal about is milk. If it’s even getting close to the “best by” date, or I even suspect a whiff of something “not right” (especially if we have an unopened half gallon still in the fridge) I don’t hesitate to dump it down the drain. Train hates this…but WTF does he care, he doesn’t drink milk.

My dad’s mom was notorious for having expired stuff in her kitchen. These are my grandparents that lived in Key West when I was growing up, in the house where my parents now live. Grandma would buy things for when we came to visit (which was once a year, if that) that she and Grandpa didn’t really eat…ketchup, salad dressings, and namely COKE. Any Coke devotee knows that Coke tastes different everywhere you go - I’ve always thought it had to do with the local water where it was manufactured - so Mom and I weren’t real wild about the South Florida taste to begin with. Grandma would buy it on sale and keep it for us. I remember getting out a can with an expiration date 5 years past. Gag. Of course, since it was my dad’s parents he wanted us to just grin and bear it (not the 5 year thing, but like, ketchup that was past its prime) (ketchup that my mom or I would always stick on the beautifully set Christmas dinner table, in the middle of her heirloom china and Waterford crystal, which became kind of a family joke although it drove my grandmother INSANE) but my mom could never just let it go (I can totally relate to these tiny power struggles now that I’m married). I remember after my grandmother died, when we were cleaning out the cabinets beneath her termite-chewed china cabinet, we found a few 12 packs of Coke that had exploded in the cabinet (this was before the house had air conditioning). What a mess.

Today we’re told that the phthalates in baby shampoo, powder, and lotion are seeping into our kids’ skin and they cause-reproductive-problems-in-animals-but-the-FDA-still-says-it’s-inconclusive-if-they’re-dangerous-for-people-but-if-we-find-out-we’ll-let-you-know! It’s freaking BABY LOTION. And now you’re telling me it’s dangerous to put it on my BABY? WTF Johnson’s??? This phthalate thing is really starting to get to me. I’ve already decided that I’m going to replace all of the Playtex bottles Sherman used with something phthalate free because the whole thing gives me the heebie-jeebies. Now I’m thinking I should just douse him in water instead of giving him a daily bath. And forget the lotion. Ugh. I get so overwhelmed with these reports of all the environmental “toxins” we are exposed to now that our parents were not exposed to and I just wonder where it’s going to end. Everyone either has cancer or has someone close to them who does. This can’t all be a coincidence.

art snob January 14, 2008

I have a hard time decorating the walls of our house. I prefer photos, but I get frustrated at how quickly they become outdated when you have a toddler running around. I feel a constant need to update them and I simply don’t have time for that. We do have a big photo collage in our living room of about 13 personal photos of varying sizes, with the center one being a 16×20 of our 2006 Christmas card picture. Every time I see it I am reminded that I need to get a new photo but by the time I get upstairs to the computer I am distracted by the laundry that needs to be put away or the little boy whose new favorite game is “slam-the-door-to-my-bedroom-and-scream-in-delight-until-Mommy-opens-it-since-I-can’t-open-it-myself-repeat”. The other art in the living room is two similar-looking square abstract painted canvases that I bought at Ross because the colors go nicely with our red furniture and brown/tan/red Target rug.

In our bedroom, I have a large wedding photo and an atomic clock on the wall. In our “office”, diplomas (Train and I graduated from the same college, so our degrees, tassels, honor medals, and almost-identical handshake photos are framed disgustingly alike). In the dining room, four mirrors in a row.

My problem with buying generic art like what’s in the living room is that it has no meaning. It really was just to try to fill up that big empty wall. I feel like a fraud when I buy stuff like that. I would prefer to buy a painting of something I love. Or something painted by someone I love. Of course, it needs to match the room it’s intended for. And it can’t be super-expensive.

In my Key West re-cap post, I mentioned that we spent a few afternoons at an art show near my parents’ house (at least, I think I…did, yep, there it is). We ended up with three prints plus some small photo-size prints. I say “prints” because we definitely did not buy any original paintings…we stayed in the “under $60″ range.

This first one is my favorite, and I think Train’s too:

This is a watercolor print of the Bahia Honda bridge on the way to Key West. It’s an old railroad truss from the Overseas Railroad. There is a state park on Bahia Honda that is one of my favorite beaches in the world. I just love this beach and I love this bridge and I could stare at this painting all day. Here it is hung in our bedroom, where I think it goes nicely. Artist Rocky Ferris. We paid $40 for this plus $20 (!!!) for shipping. I have no explanation other than I HAD to have it.

The next one is a photo on canvas:

This one is over the toilet in my newly painted purple bathroom. I have always had a semi-theme of seashells and the purple in this one stood out. However, I think it needs a frame. What do you think? My mom bought me this one as a Christmas present, I think it was about $40.

The third print has no explanation:

Something about the colors in this one just hooked me and I kept going back to it. It goes NOWHERE in my blue/green/purple upstairs or my red/brown/black downstairs. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it, since we don’t even have a lot of hall space where I could put it. But I WILL find somewhere. I hemmed and hawed about it since it doesn’t go with anything, but my HGTV-obsessed mother berated me that “people worry too much about what matches instead of what they like.” Says the woman who can get away with decorating her whole house in fish and palm trees. But she’s right. I loved this print so it should be in my house to make me happy. This one was $20.

With the purple matting, I originally thought about putting this in the purple bathroom, but it didn’t seem mellow enough for that room. The artist had the original print matted differently, which I thought really brought out the colors of the painting. Here is some amateur photoshopping to show you how I want it matted:

Otherwise, we bought some small 4×6 prints of Key West landmarks…Schooner Wharf, Blue Heaven, and the sunset celebration. Not sure yet what we’ll do with those. Train is thinking we should do a “Key West wall” in the man room, so we may collect more things.

blue skies and ultraviolet rays* January 2, 2008

Despite last night’s post, the past week at my parents’ house was wonderful. While Sherman did refuse to nap most days (usually only surrendering during a walk in the stroller), he slept through the night every night, which is always our greatest stress (yes, even more than the plane). Our earliest morning was 5am, and our latest was 7:30 (yes, I made Train go in to make sure he was alive).

Christmas feels like an eternity ago, as it does each year when we get back from a week away. You already know, for the most part, what Sherman got for Christmas from us. We woke up Christmas morning to open gifts.

the play kitchen from JCPenney…it’s pretty low-tech and suprisingly engaging

a “Traveling to Grandma’s” suitcase with his name on it that had to be kissed

the Sesame Street Old School DVD which is going on Craigslist…it says it’s for nostalgic adults and not preschoolers, and they are right, because Big Bird doesn’t even look the same and it freaked my shit out…anyone interested?

another kiss for a personalized truck beach towel

After a few chores to get ready for our trip, we went out to Ditto’s house for Christmas lunch and gifts like we do every year. It was right during Sherman’s nap time, and he had slept a little late that morning so we knew he wouldn’t go down early, so we just let him sleep in the car. He was in a bad mood most of the day because of it, but oh well. Christmas Eve dinner was rearranged for our niece’s naptime, but let’s not get into that. Lunch was delicious and there were tons of gifts for us and for Sherman (the rest of the family exchanges/opens gifts at Christmas morning breakfast at my in-laws’, which is too early for us to get out there, since it’s about 45 minutes away).

Train’s sister Nanny got Sherman a Cabbage Patch doll that looks a lot like him. I actually considered getting him one but I wasn’t sure. I’m so glad she did. My Cabbage Patch had yarn hair. This one definitely does not. Our niece got one that looks like her too.

Do you see the pile of gifts on the right? Those were all for Sherman. Train had to move so that he could even see me.

My mother-in-law was so excited about this garage. The rocking chair is also Sherman’s.

Back at our house, the trampoline from Train’s parents.

Tuesday night we finished packing, sent our dogs to my co-workers’ house, and put together a couple of presents (the majority are still sitting in the front hall where they came in from my sister-in-law’s).

Wednesday morning our ride was picking us up at 7:30am. Sherman usually gets up at 7am, but of course that morning I had to wake him up. Train ran to McDonald’s to get us some breakfast which we ate in the car on the way to National. Our flight was at 10am. Train and I are notoriously early for flights, not because we want to be. The traffic is unpredictable in this area, so a ride to National could take anywhere from half an hour to an hour and a half, especially in the morning. Train would prefer to use the lower end of the traffic estimate and put us at the airport an hour before the flight. I too don’t want to be at the airport more than an hour before the flight, but I tend to be more pessimistic about the traffic, especially the day after Christmas. This time, I really thought we were doing well - I estimated an hour for the drive, to put us there at 8:30, an hour and a half before the flight. Of course, we were at the airport and THROUGH SECURITY by 8:30, with an hour and a half still to entertain Sherman.

Playing with his new trucks with Daddy. The calm before the f’ing storm of the f’ing century.

Our plan was for Train to board first, get Sherman’s car seat installed in his seat, and then I would come on at the last minute (even before Sherman, we like to be on the plane for the shortest time possible). Sherman was already tired, and I walked him around the terminal while our plane boarded slooooowwwwwly. Agonizingly slow. After about 15 minutes, he started to get pissed. He wanted to get out of his stroller, but he didn’t want me to hold him, and if I set him down he ran off screaming. He just screamed, and screamed, and screamed. I got to the point that I didn’t even care what people thought, I was already so fed up with the whole idea of traveling with a child (if you’ve done it, you know what I mean…it’s just such a cliche), no one being helpful, the exhaustion of trying to make sure you have everything. Sherman never acts like this, but how would anyone know that? He’s in an unfamiliar place totally off his routine and he was miserable.

Eventually I had to board the plane because I needed Train’s help with Sherman. The car seat that I was so excited about using on the plane was shockingly huge compared to the teeny tiny rows of USAir. I put Sherman in it and there was nowhere for his feet to go except into the seat of the guy in front of him. I have seen parents who let their toddlers scream and simply hold their feet so they can’t kick the seat in front of them, thinking that if they are going to scream at least they won’t physically bother anyone else. Of course this made Sherman angrier and I wasn’t getting a helpful vibe from the man in front of him (”Is he kicking you?” “Not yet.”). This whole time Sherman just screamed and cried and screamed and cried. On top of all this, our row didn’t have a window. I got him out of the seat and held him and so did Train. We still hadn’t taken off. It seemed like forever until we did; it was probably about 15 minutes. He continued to pitch a fit for another 10 minutes into the flight and after that he was fine. I broke out the DVD player and it paid for itself within the first 20 minutes. It was a lifesaver, especially with the new Elmo DVD my mom had given Sherman for Christmas. He ate Cheerios, and pretzels, and apple juice (what’s the one thing you’re not supposed to forget when traveling? extra clothes for your kid, right? yes, his diaper leaked and he spent the second half of the flight with no pants on).

So he sat in his car seat for about ten minutes total. We thought if we could get him to sit there for a little while he would fall asleep, but even when he wasn’t angry the temptation to kick the seat in front of him was too strong. Damn but those rows were narrow.

As he always does, Sherman fell asleep in his stroller as soon as we got off the plane. He slept through baggage claim and the shuttle ride to the car rental center and didn’t wake up until we put him in the car seat, but he fell back asleep pretty quickly. We had a nice Nissan Altima. We were on the road about 2pm and we made great time around Miami and called ahead an order to Sonny’s so we wouldn’t have to stop and Sherman could keep sleeping.

Once we were on the 18-mile stretch through the Everglades (before you hit the Keys), traffic was terrible. We would be stopped dead for long periods before we’d inch forward just to stop again. This was about when Sherman woke up but he was okay. We had gotten him some macaroni and cheese from Sonny’s and he ate some of that. He was content for a while and after that we pulled out the DVD player again.

After about a 45 minute delay, we were over the drawbridge and on our way down the Keys. The rest of the trip went well. We got to my parents’ house in Key West around 6pm. For the second time since moving to Key West in 2003, Mom had put up a Christmas tree. The first time they paid some astronomical amount for a tree brought in from North Carolina or Georgia. This year they ordered an artificial “corner tree” and it looked great. We opened a few Christmas presents and then we had a delicious spaghetti dinner.

It was wonderful to be at my parents’ house. Although it’s not where I grew up, it’s home because that’s where they live. It’s always cool and clean and waiting for us like a hotel room. Mom had a special plate and a Thomas the Tank Engine towel and washcloth for Sherman to use. Dinner was warm and filling and perfect. They had snacks and whole milk for Sherman. Ever since our first trip to Key West with him, they’ve had my aunt’s pack n’ play and baby monitor at the house so we don’t have to bring ours. They have a white noise machine like the one in Sherman’s room at home. It’s a place where we can relax even though we are traveling. Everything has been thought of and all we have to do is get there.

The one thing my parents don’t have is a bathtub. They have a large open shower stall that is all tiled, with a chest-high wall. Usually we give Sherman a bath in the sink but he’s finally gotten too big. We stopped up the drain in the shower and he had a shallow bath. Last time I tried that he smacked his head when he slipped. But he was careful this time and he loved the bath. It was like a spa pool, I was kind of jealous.

Sherman stayed up until 9, and then we did our regular routine of teeth brushing, stories, and singing. He went down without a peep. I had brought his stuffed animals, blankets, and sheet from his crib. Train and I decided to sleep on the pull out couch in the front room and give Sherman the guest bedroom to himself. I don’t sleep well when I share a room with him, mainly because every peep wakes me up, and this way we wouldn’t disturb him either.

the cure-all…mini M&Ms.

On Thursday afternoon we walked down to the park at Higgs Beach. Sherman has been the only child at day care for a few months now and it certainly shows. He is not as interested in nor as friendly with other children. He was kind of in a mood so he would be happy one minute and mad the next. Unfortunately this park also gets the afternoon sun.

After the park we walked all the way up to the ice cream parlor to get a banana split and they were inexplicably closed. I was so pissed. Only in Key West.

On Friday Mom and I tried to trick Sherman into napping by walking him around in the stroller and then transferring him to the Pack N Play. It didn’t work, and for the rest of the week he took his naps in the stroller if that’s where he fell asleep, even if we put him in his room.

It was hot down there. Some days it got into the 80s. I remember last Christmas having to dress Sherman in long sleeves a couple of days because it was cloudy and chilly. Not this time. It felt like June to me. Sherman spent every second outside that he could, and wore sandals or no shoes all week. My parents blew about three million bubbles. There are constantly planes overhead flying very low as they prepare for landing at the Key West airport (as the locals say each time they hear one, “here comes money”), so Sherman had a great time pointing them out. There are also tons of chickens and roosters (since they are protected in KW) and he really enjoyed watching and following them.

On Friday afternoon we all walked down to Sloppy Joes for a drink (and french fries). Sherman fell asleep on the way so we were able to enjoy ourselves for a while.

Sherman was here

On the way home he woke up and didn’t want to ride in the stroller any more so Train had to carry him the mile back to the house.

His first corn dog…he thought the stick went in the ketchup

On Saturday morning while Sherman was asleep, Train, Mom, and I went to an art fair at Bayview Park where a lot of local artists were selling their items. I got two prints (Mom bought me a seashell photo canvas for the new purple bathroom and I bought one just because I loved the colors). On Sunday Train and I went back and I ordered a print of a Bahia Honda bridge painting that is going to be shipped to us. It will look great in our bedroom.

That afternoon we took Sherman to the carnival at Truman Annex. We thought he would like some of the rides but we didn’t realize he would have to ride by himself. We did not make that mistake twice. He hated everything. He even hated when Mom and I rode the ferris wheel without him. It was hot, and he was miserable, and we spent about $25 in an hour.

this was the only thing I could ride with him

Sunday was the day Sherman was up at 5am. I don’t know what was up with him, but I laid quietly with him until about 6 and then we got some milk and the portable DVD player. That lasted until my mom got up at 7, and I went back to bed until 10. We wanted to see a photo exhibit of Old Key West at the Customs House so again we popped Sherman in the stroller, he fell asleep, and we enjoyed the exhibit in peace. This time he slept for two hours and we got halfway through lunch on the pier before he woke up.

Looking for birds. My mom taught him to call for the lizards while cupping his hands around his mouth so he did the same for the seagulls.

After lunch my parents and I took Sherman to the Aquarium. Our visit ended when he threw his pacifier into one of the turtle tanks (my dad got it out).

On Monday, New Years Eve, we stayed close to home. It was hot, and Sherman had more fun just puttering in the house and the backyard, so there was no point in dragging him out. Train and I went and had lunch at the Raw Bar and walked around Duval for a few hours, visiting some of the co-op galleries we had learned about at the art fair.

playing in Dad’s truck

organizing Mom’s pantry

Mom broke out the Fantasy Fest beads for New Years Eve…as I sat there with Sherman I started sorting them by color and I couldn’t stop!

Train and I were in bed by 9pm New Years Eve. We got up at 5am on Tuesday to head home. We had gotten another rental car on Monday (this time a Chevy Malibu) and we headed up the road around 5:30am. My plan had been to put Sherman in the car asleep. Unfortunately, I forgot that everything that needed to be packed, plus our clothes for the day, were in the room with him so I couldn’t help but go in there.

He stayed awake for the three hour trip up the Keys. When we stopped to get gas we took our time, and he played in the car some. When he had to get back in the seat he had a bag of Teddy Grahams that made him happy. Of course he fell asleep about 20 minutes before we got to the rental car return.

When you have a four hour drive to the airport, and only one road to take to get there, you definitely don’t want to mess around with cutting it close getting to the airport. Our flight was at noon, and by the time we had returned the car, taken the shuttle to the terminal, and gone through security, it was still only 10am. Sherman was in a terrible mood. Train walked him around in the stroller and after a while brought him back to the seats where I was sitting. There was a very nice family with three teenage girls sitting near us, and they thought Sherman was the greatest thing and he had a good time charming them. He literally ran back and forth from one side of the seating area to the other, just laughing and showing off for them. God bless them all, because it really improved his mood and got some energy out. I was desperate to keep him in a good mood before we boarded, since I think going on the plane mid-tantrum on the way down was a big part of the problem. For the last 20 minutes or so before we boarded, we took turns walking him in the stroller to settle him down.

We decided to gate check the car seat this time and it was a great decision. We had the three full seats to enjoy and Mr. Wiggleworm could do what he liked, plus we had a window this time. Another 20-month-old girl was seated in front of us with her parents, and a nice young couple was behind us and they laughed whenever Sherman turned around to talk to them. It was a great flight. It passed quickly and I even got to read my book for a while. Near the end, with all of his jumping around, Sherman conked his head on the armrest and got pretty upset, but it was only because he was tired. It was the last squall before he fell asleep on Train’s shoulder and didn’t wake up until we got to our house. Ditto and Wahoo picked us up at the airport after an hour wait for our luggage.

So all in all, a nice break from real life. I haven’t been to work in 12 days. Yikes!!

*Jimmy Buffet, Floridays

and bedrooms with doors that shut January 1, 2008

We are home. HOME! GOD BLESS HOME.

your air travel guide December 10, 2007

I may have mentioned that we’re going to South Florida after Christmas. On a plane. As we do every year. Does this sound familiar? I’m starting to feel as if this is the only tradition I have because I am CLINGING to it and also reminding everyone about it any chance I get.

Last year, this trip was Sherman’s first plane trip, and my first trip with an infant (he was 8 months old). This year’s will be his fourth trip on a plane.

Last Christmas (“…I gave you my heart”), we flew all the way into Key West with Sherman. We changed planes in Miami. I remember letting him crawl around on the floor at the Miami airport just to give him some wiggle time. Otherwise, the plane trip wasn’t that bad, at least not that I remember. Holding 20 pounds on your lap in coach is not the most comfortable way to spend a flight, but we weren’t delayed so it could have  been worse. On the way home (New Years Day), the flight was fine after an unfortunate incident with the twin toddlers across the aisle whose screaming scared Sherman. Then, instead of Train’s brother picking us up at National, he told us when we landed he didn’t know how to get to the airport, so we had to take the Metro out to meet him, which added about 45 minutes to the trip…with a stroller, car seat, two suitcases, and a very tired toddler who (thankfully) was soothed by the motion of the train.

Train, Sherman, and my dad waiting for our flight out of Key West

In March we went to visit some family in Florida. Sherman still wasn’t walking yet but very wiggly. It was only an hour and a half flight so it wasn’t too difficult to keep him occupied with cheerios or toys. He continued what he had started in December by falling asleep as we landed…almost as soon as the landing gear came down. It’s a little frustrating, but he sleeps through baggage claim.

Then in June we went back to Key West with Ditto, Roadrunner, and Pete. We flew on JetBlue to Fort Lauderdale and rented a minivan to drive the rest of the way. We were across the aisle from them, and it seemed as though we’d get one child calmed down and the other one would crank it up. Sherman was relentlessly wiggly, it was a struggle to keep him from bothering people around us or wanting to get up and walk. Both kids slept through baggage claim so that was a relief. We had two of everything…strollers, high chair covers, diaper bags, car seats, sippy cups, plus we had taken our Pack N Play since my parents only had one at the house. Although I dreaded the flight home, all in all it was a nice trip and we were all speaking at the end, so that was a success. It’s a pain having to coordinate two kids’ nap/eating schedules (Pete was 9 months old so still eating bottles), but it’s also comforting to travel with another family…you’re not quite so self-conscious.

This year (“to save me from tears…”), we’re again flying to Fort Lauderdale. And for the first time, Sherman will have his own seat. We’re taking his Britax car seat (which we need anyway for the rental car) and my hope is that he can/will stay in it the entire time. One of the worst things about the plane is changing a diaper so hopefully we can avoid that. I am looking forward to not having to hold him and constantly switch from Mommy’s lap to Daddy’s and back again. We’re taking a portable DVD player and new books and small (quiet) toys. It will take us longer to drive to Key West from Fort Lauderdale than it will to fly to FLL from Washington, but at least we can go at our own pace and we won’t bother anyone else. I’m optimistic.

I used to be one of those eye-rolling passengers that gave kids ugly looks on the plane. So yes, I deserve every ounce of travel stress and drama that Sherman can dream up. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. In that spirit, I give you these Commandments of Childless Plane Travel.

1. It’s a plane, not a spa. If you’re looking for deep-zen meditation, you haven’t paid enough for your business class seat, sweetie.

2. You have a choice, too. You know there’s a good chance (especially around the holidays) that there will be (gasp!) children on your flight. Some well-behaved, and some maybe not. If it’s that big of a deal-breaker, you could drive to your destination just as easily as we could. I’m not sure where you’re headed, but we’re just trying to get the hell off this plane and get to Grandma’s. I’m sorry if these two hours before you arrive in tropical paradise for a week of vacation aren’t exactly what you expected, but bite me.

3. No matter how badly it sucks for you, it sucks about 100 times more for the parents. It’s easy to assume that parents of loud/active children are oblivious to what their “little angels” are up to, but I find that most parents take every precaution possible in preparation for a smooth flight. Diaper changes, Tylenol dosing, smart selection of travel time (evidence: three million web pages about traveling with a toddler). The bottom line is, when the kid is crying and scared, you get to turn on your iPod and tune it out. That parent has to deal with their child (whom they love, and want to comfort) on top of the ugly looks and muttered comments, and does that sound like a fun way to travel? Especially when she’s paid just as much for her child’s seat as you paid for yours?

4. Just because a child whines or cries, they aren’t necessarily a spoiled brat. Before I had Sherman, I never considered that some children are just too young to even know where they are or what they’re doing. Those are the ones who sometimes handle planes the worst. An infant cries when she’s hungry, wet, scared, tired, etc etc etc. Not deliberately to annoy you. A toddler can’t sit still, and usually doesn’t have to, but you can’t expect a parent to put him in a straightjacket. Yes, an 8-year-old that kicks your seat or screams in your ear is out of control, and you can stew during the entire flight about how terrible his parents are, but you get to get off the plane and go about your business. That child will be a teenager one day, so count your blessings.

5. I didn’t design the plane. Most planes that we fly on have seats in groups of three. So if you have two parents and a lap child, or (horror of horrors) one parent with a child in their own seat, it means a stranger will be sharing intimate space with the little beast. It can’t be helped. That leads us to…

6. If you have a heart in your chest, at least smile at the kid. I was 100% guilty of ignoring children anywhere in my vicinity before Sherman came along. But now, I see my son piling on the charm and cuteness just to be ignored, and it makes me want to punch my seatmate. When a miniature face pops up over the seat in front of you to check out what’s going on, if you make faces or share toys, you will have one grateful parent up there who gets a few seconds of a break. On our first flight with Sherman, the man sitting next to me in our row had a video iPod. He kept leaving it within Sherman’s reach and obviously didn’t want him to touch it (neither did I!). COME ON DUDE, can’t you at least try to get it out of sight so I don’t have to wrestle him away from it every 10 seconds? I’M DOING MY VERY BEST HERE.

7. What goes around comes around. When I was pregnant, I sat next to a woman whose son threw up on her while they were in the cabin bathroom. I was okay until I realized her husband was 5 rows back in the exit row with the extra legroom. Why, exactly, am I sitting here dealing with this? One day, it will be your child or grandchild who loses his shit (literally or figuratively) in the airport or on the plane, and you will be grateful for anyone that either helps you or ignores you, but most of all, refrains from abusing you even more than your child already has.

the best things to do in Key West December 6, 2007

I may have mentioned before that I am sooooooper excited about our annual New Years trip to Key West. I’ve been going down there for holidays to visit my grandparents or parents since I was a kid. To get in the holiday spirit, I decided to make the definitive list of things you (if you want to be my friend) must do in Key West when you visit. Of course we don’t do all (or sometimes any) of these each time we visit, mostly just when we have newbies to show around or if it’s been a while.

1. First things first. Once you drop your stuff and get settled in, you’ve got to do the Conch Train tour. It’s the best way to really get a feel for Key West and understand the culture (if such a thing were possible). It also helps you see a little of everything so you can decide how to spend the rest of your trip (besides what I’ve told you to do).

Train is a huge fan of the “World-Infamous” Conch Train, ever since I made him spend $40 in beer money so we could ride during one of our college spring breaks

2. The next thing you’ve got to do is watch sunset at Mallory Dock. Every night, 365 days a year, street performers and vendors set up here to entertain you and get your money. Get a Key Lime colada to enjoy. Watch sunset and possibly some cruise ships arriving or leaving.

Dr. P gave this little girl a dollar to give to the “statue”, December 2006

3. Get up and have breakfast at Blue Heaven. This isn’t my favorite place to eat, but it’s a Key West institution, and you can eat your omelette and watch wild chickens run around your table. My parents love it, and my mom insists on eating there on her birthday.

4. Go rent some bikes. It’s the best way to get around the island because it’s not too difficult to find somewhere to park, and you can burn off some of those alcohol calories. Just please be careful on the road (I’m not a big fan of mopeds, since they are hard to operate if you’re not used to them and can be very dangerous in traffic). Another great option (especially if you have a group of 4) is an electric car.

Sherman on my dad’s bike, 8 months old

5. Tour Ernest Hemingway’s house, where you can see the island’s first swimming pool. To Have and Have Not is based on Key West during the Depression. Most days there is a wedding taking place in the yard.

6. In honor of Papa, have lunch and a cocktail at his friend’s bar, Sloppy Joes.

7. Go back and rest for a while, then spend the evening on the beach at Fort Taylor. Key West has no natural beaches; they’re all man-made because the island is surrounded by reef on three sides and there are no waves. The sand is brought in from the Bahamas. The Gulf side is usually very grassy, while the Atlantic side beaches are very rocky. Often some or all of the beaches are closed due to elevated bacteria. Yuck.

My point is, Key West is not the place to go if you’re looking for a beach vacation. But my family (not big beach fans) likes Fort Taylor the best, especially later in the day. There are nice, shaded picnic areas with grills; a snack bar; good snorkeling; and the park is on a point of the island right next to the dredged channel where the cruise ships come in…they pass so closely it seems like you could reach out and touch them.

Dad, Train, and Ditto at Fort Taylor, June 2007

(The other great beach is about an hour’s drive up the Keys, at Bahia Honda State Park.)

8. Eat a Cuban sandwich. If you want some more Cuban food, have dinner at El Siboney (which isn’t open year-round). This restaurant is within walking distance of my parents’, which is a good thing because (a) there’s almost no parking and (b) they have really good sangria.

9. Take a jet ski tour around (literally) the island. Train and I did this once, with my parents, in July, and we did the sunset tour. It was a lot of fun and a great way to break the heat (there are several stops along the route for “play time”, so Train would dump me in the ocean and goof off with the jet ski for a while). You also get to see the submarine flats that were built but never used during WWII.

July 2004

10. Have dinner at Raw Bar…this isn’t necessarily a Key West “must-do” but it is for me, because I love the atmosphere and the food here. And no…I don’t eat anything raw!

11. Take a half-day catamaran snorkeling trip out to Sand Key Light. You get to see a ton of sea life and usually you get a free drink (or six). Just don’t go on a windy day when the sand is all stirred up and the water isn’t as clear. Wear your sunscreen!

12. Time to shop!! I love wandering around Mallory Square looking at all the tourist tchockes. Mom and I usually have the most luck at the Conch Train Station Gift Shop. And I always have to stop at Key West Aloe for Key Lime lotion and Fresh Banana hair conditioner. My grandmother only used their products and they make great souvenirs.

13. Get some true Key West entertainment at the Crystal Room at La Te Da, where the beautiful drag queens put on their own productions of The Sound of Music and Chicago. Try to get tickets in advance. Showtime is 9pm, and luckily there’s a two drink minimum!

Dr. P and I after a La Te Da show, December 2006

14. Spend an afternoon at Schooner’s Wharf Bar listening to Michael McCloud. This is my mom’s favorite bar (when she retired from her job in North Carolina, her going-away gift was a gift certificate so Schooner’s).

Train, when we left him under the care of the Schooner’s waitress one afternoon…a few hours later, we found him outside the VFW two blocks away

15. After dinner, it’s time for a banana split at Mathieson’s 4th of July - we always say it’s big enough for 6 people (see proof below) but unfortunately this summer Ditto and I finished one all by ourselves…

With my mom, uncle, aunt, and cousin (Dad took the picture), December 2005 while I was pregnant with Sherman

16. Go visit the Little White House, where Harry Truman spent his Presidential vacations. My grandfather was a civilian electrician whose office was located directly behind the house, and he used to have coffee with President Truman. He installed the aperture light above Truman’s poker table. When the house was shut down (prior to the opening of the museum), everyone began grabbing souvenirs. My grandfather was one of the last, so he ended up with only a showerhead. But it was the best damn showerhead I’ve ever seen, and my grandparents used it for years.

The Little White House is located in Truman Annex, which used to be part of the Navy base and is where the officers’ family homes were. Now they are privately owned and they are the prettiest houses on the island. We love riding our bikes through there.

17. Finally, have a drink at the Casa Marina, the hotel built by Henry Flagler so that the passengers on his Overseas Railroad had somewhere grand to stay. My grandparents always went to fancy dinner dances at this hotel and it is so glamorous.

Sherman and I at the Casa Marina, December 2006

So there you go. That’s what I would make you do if you went to Key West with me.

As far as getting there, Train and I used to fly all the way into Key West International (one gate in, and one gate out, and only recently was it air-conditioned), but it’s sometimes hard to get tickets and it’s expensive (also requires a plane change somewhere in South Florida or Atlanta). My parents’ method of choice is to fly to/from Fort Lauderdale airport (which is only a little ways north of Miami but outside of the traffic). It’s smaller than MIA and easier to get in and out of. The other option is to take a fast ferry from Tampa or Miami, which is quicker than driving.

See you there!

i won’t be home for christmas November 21, 2007

My parents are here and like we’ve done for the past few years, we will all go out to my mother-in-law’s house for Thanksgiving. I am very thankful that we do not have to “choose” which holidays to spend with which family each year.

When I was a kid, we would spend Thanksgiving with my mother’s family (including her 4 siblings) and Christmas with my dad’s family (he’s an only child like me), and then the next year we would switch. Both of these options involved traveling to Florida - mom’s family was 8 hours away from our house in North Carolina, while dad’s parents were 20 hours away in Key West, and we always drove to both places. I can only remember one Christmas Day spent at home before I went to college. There were two things I considered “normal” when I was growing up: spending the holidays away from home, and going to daycare during summer break.

Santa would always find me at my grandma’s house, where there was never a fireplace but my stocking hung from Grandma Betty’s wet bar and got filled up just the same. As I got older (and Santa stopped coming), Christmas came earlier, as in the night before we packed up the car to head to Florida. That way there were no gifts to hide in the trunk of the car and I could pick and choose what gifts to bring with me. After all, these were the days before internet shopping and drop shipping.

Now, since my parents don’t have any other children to split their time with, they are able to spend Thanksgiving with us and my in-laws. I’m also glad that my in-laws are willing to include them, but they are those kinds of folks…the more the merrier, especially since Sherman came along.

For Christmas, we will do our own thing on Christmas Eve (mainly because I’ll be working that day). When I was a kid, I sometimes missed enjoying my own family’s Christmas tree and decorations while waiting for Santa (don’t get me wrong, I loved being with family, I just wasn’t crazy about the traveling, and no one ever came to us), and I would like for Sherman’s memories of the holidays to include our home.

Christmas morning we will get up to open gifts, then shower and get ready and head out to Ditto’s house for gifts and a nice big meal with the family. The only thing bad about this is that, since all of Train’s family lives in the same town (except his brother who is not married and spends his Christmas break at his parents’ house anyway), they usually all get together early Christmas morning for gifts. I wish we weren’t left out of that, but I’m not willing to get up at the crack of dawn to go out there, either, so oh well.

Then we’ll go home and pack (and put away the Christmas tree and ornaments if we have time) to leave for my parents’ house on December 26. We’ve done this each year since we got engaged. My parents aren’t adamant about seeing us on the actual holiday, and they actually have their own Christmas Day tradition of going to the movies and going on a nice long bike ride. On the other hand, my mother-in-law thrives on having all of her children (and now grandchildren) together just like when they were kids, and it’s nice to have a tradition.

So we spend the week after Christmas, including New Years Eve, in Key West. Luckily, part of our Christmas gift each year from my parents is the plane tickets to come visit. My mom always hated having to drive to Key West (basically eating up 4 days of time off work in the car) and she insists that my grandparents could have helped out with the cost, so now my parents do.

Our Christmas trip last year was Sherman’s first plane trip and also his first trip to my parents’. It was stressful, but we survived. (Also, Dr. P and her new husband came to spend a few days with us for New Years and we had a blast!)

Since then, we’ve had two more plane trips, and next month, Sherman has his own seat and we will be taking his car seat to strap him down. Otherwise, it’s a two-hour wrestling match that I dread more than anything. I am hoping sitting in his car seat will feel more familiar, while Mommy and Daddy’s hands are free to entertain him and (gasp!) actually drink an in-flight beverage. I hope I am not deluding myself, but I’m actually looking forward to trying the car seat. Ideally he will stay in the seat for the entire (approx. 2 hour) flight because I’m afraid if we let him out he won’t get back in. We’re planning on getting him a portable DVD player and stuffing his stocking with new small toys so we have plenty to entertain him.

Also this year, we are flying to Fort Lauderdale and driving a rental car the rest of the way. This way we avoid having to make connections, and we don’t have to worry about Sherman bothering anyone but us. We can stop and eat, stretch, go to the bathroom on our own schedule (it’s about a four hour drive from the airport to my parents’ - but it’s gorgeous and only about 150 miles). We did the same thing when we went down in June with Ditto and her husband and daughter. I’m hoping for a free upgrade to a minivan on this trip because it would be nice to have the extra room.

It’s possible that as Sherman gets older and possibly has a sibling, that (a) it will be too much hassle to travel to Key West during the holidays or (b) my parents will want to share Christmas morning with their grandchildren. If that happens we’ll reevaluate our routine, but for now it works out very nicely. December is the very best time to go to Key West and I always look forward to it (more than a mid-summer sweat fest) and the New Years festivities.